


New Beginnings

by basildarling (thespiderbaby)



Category: The Fast Show
Genre: British Comedy, Canon Gay Character, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Possibly Unrequited Love, Pre-Slash, Unrequited Love, set after series 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27673363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespiderbaby/pseuds/basildarling
Summary: All Ted's friends seem to do is mock Ralph for his obvious attraction towards him. Luckily, Ted is there to stand up for Ralph, even when he's not around. He does care deeply for him, after all.
Relationships: Ralph Mayhew/Ted
Comments: 6
Kudos: 6





	New Beginnings

“So, Ted. When are you gonna pop the question? Mr Mayhew must be getting impatient by now!” Simon laughed, a cheeky twinkle in his eyes. The other lads round the pub table joined in, and Ted forced himself to smile.

  
“Come on, that’s not really fair,” Ted replied. “You’re being a bit hard on him. He’s a good man, you shouldn’t poke fun at him like this.” 

  
“You'll break his heart, Ted. You probably already have.” Mark butted in. 

  
“I just don’t know what I can do. I feel like I’ve given enough hints that- well, I'm not gay. What about Esther, for Christ’s sakes? My wife! My heterosexual marriage!” 

  
“Well, Ted, it sounds like you’re protesting too much. Sure there’s loads of gays who marry women to disguise all that stuff-" 

  
Ted gently nudged Simon’s elbow. “I love Esther dearly, thank you very much. Anyway, there’s loads of men out there, surely it’ll be easy for him to find one he likes. He just needs to put himself out there more.” 

  
“Yeah, exactly, but the guy he fancies just happens to be you. And it’s gonna be difficult for him to move on from those rugged sideburns and your wrinkly old man face,” Simon puts on a ridiculously over-the-top posh accent. “Oh Ted, you’re irresistible...I want you to plough my lower fields.”

  
“You’re awful, you know that,” replied Ted, taking a swig of his beer. Simon took this as a sign to continue with his terrible Ralph impressions, but was quickly overshadowed by Rhys returning to the table with another round of drinks. 

  
“Wait, what have I missed? Who’s gay?” he asked. 

  
“Keep up!” Mark shouted. “We were just discussing Ralph-" 

  
“Wait, is Ralph gay? Posh Ralph? When did he decide to start doing all that then?”

  
Ted sighed and buried his face in his hands. This was typical conversation for a night at the pub; Simon constantly teasing Ted about Ralph’s not-so-subtle affections for him. It was alright when Ted could stand up for Ralph on his behalf, but it really did start to  _ grate _ after a while. Besides Ralph was well-meaning, and didn’t deserve to be talked about behind his back like this, but Ted knew that telling his mates this would only give them more ammunition for their jokes. In the background, Simon was still berating Rhys for being so oblivious. Ted ignored them, concentrating intently on rolling a cigarette. If he could just block out their childish behaviour, it would be fine. 

“Eh, Ted,” It was John. “They’ve all got one-track minds, haven’t they? Spending their evenings obsessing over what Mr Mayhew gets up to in his spare time.”

Ted chuckled.

“Seriously though, you know him best. It must get annoying hearing all this night after night. I’ve helped him out a few times when you were on holiday and he was nothing but generous.” 

“He’s a kind man, honestly, just a bit bad at talking to me. Or anyone, for that matter. But when Esther had that bit of trouble and had to go to hospital, he was completely selfless. Gave me as much time off as I needed, and offered to give me a lift to see her. Mind you, Esther thinks the world of him. Like the son she never had. She’s taken to inviting him round for Sunday lunch; can’t bear to think of him there on his own eating dry chicken with watery gravy.”

“And you like him, don’t you?”

“Yeah, but not like that. I mean, he’s a good employer. Fair. And when you think about what his father was like, bit before your time, I know, but he was a nasty piece of work. It’s incredible. I know it would break his heart if he knew some of the things people said about him behind his back. He’s incredibly sensitive. And...I just… I don’t know. It would hurt him deeply. ”

“Keep sticking up for him then, Ted. He’s lucky to have a friend like you.”

_ A friend... _

Ted didn’t have much time to contemplate this, as who should walk into the pub at that moment, but Ralph himself? He put his head down, staring into his pint. It was obvious that he’d come in to try and talk to Ted, even though it had gone so disastrously last time Ralph had tried to talk to Ted with his mates around. He just had to hope that he wouldn’t embarrass himself this time. 

Simon spotted Ralph before anyone else, and gestured enthusiastically for him to come over to their table. Ted wondered if he could crawl underneath the table and escape to the toilets before anyone noticed. 

“Oi, Mr Mayhew, sir! We were just talking about you!” Simon grinned.

“Really...?” Ralph’s face lit up, in all his naivete, believing that, for once, someone actually cared about him. 

“Yeah, Ted has something he wants to say to you. Something really important. Go on, Ted.”

“D-do you, Ted?” He was looking at Ted, looking straight at him. Their eyes met, and Ted ducked his head down. He could still feel Ralph’s eyes on him, threatening to burn a hole in his cap. 

“It’s nothing, sir. It can wait until the morning.” 

_ Bugger! Simon fucking knew what he was doing, putting Mr Mayhew and me in this situation. As soon as he leaves he’s getting a bollocking. _

Simon gave Ted a knowing look. “Don’t be shy, Ted. Go on.”

Ted shot Simon a dirty look. “Sir, I just wanted to...I wanted to remind you that I…”

Ralph’s eyes were wide as saucers. It was clear what he was expecting 

_ Fuck. I can’t do this. _

“I probably won’t see you until after lunch tomorrow, sir. I need to go into town to get a new can of paint for the fence.”

“Oh. Righty-o then, Ted. No need to worry!” Ralph was smiling but Ted could see that he looked hurt. Dejected. He’d been let down once again. “In...in that case, I’ll leave you to finish your drinks. See you later, chaps!” And he quickly turned and trotted off. 

Simon was laughing, and Ted could’ve punched him right there and then. But how would that help anything? Ted desperately wanted to run after Ralph, to apologise, explain that those so called ‘friends’ of his were trying to play some cheap joke on them. That he was truly sorry that they’d embarrassed him like that. But he couldn’t move. The truth was, though, he liked Ralph. 

Not that he could show it. 

He liked him. Nothing more. After all, he had Esther, didn’t he? 

But he’d dealt with so much rejection; could Ralph’s heart take any more? The least he could do was make it clear to Ralph that there was someone else out there who cared about him. Sure, he didn’t understand any of this artsy French cinema, or the quaint little tea shops Ralph liked. He wouldn’t say no to that Tina Turner concert though, if that was still happening. And maybe Ralph would like to come on a fishing trip with him. Just as long as Simon and the others didn’t catch on, it could be quite nice. 

Speaking of Simon, he was still sitting there, that smug grin plastered on his face. Luckily, Ted wasn’t the only one pissed off with him. Even Mark thought it was cruel, a step too far. 

“I was just tryin’ to help!” protested Simon. “Relationship advice, y’know?”

“You didn’t have to do  _ that _ ! Leading him on. You fucking well knew how he was going to take that. And you’re just going to make things difficult for Ted when he sees him tomorrow!”

“You didn’t complain when we were joking about him earlier,” Simon said matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, but that’s different. I would never call him a poof to his face or whatever. He’s sensitive, you know.”

_ Hypocrites.  _ This was all getting too much for Ted, who mumbled something about going for a cigarette outside. But in reality, he was going to sneak away and call on Ralph. He owed the man an apology, or maybe five. 

_ Sorry that my mates took the piss out of you back there. _

_ Sorry that I’ve been so distant.  _

_ Sorry that I can’t return your love.  _

_ Sorry that I haven’t sorted out the drainage in the lower field yet.  _

_ Sorry. _

Ted stepped out into the cool autumn evening. This was it. He wasn’t going to let anybody ever hurt or demean Ralph ever again. 

**Author's Note:**

> ougghh finally i wrote something that isn't a retelling of their first kiss/how they got together.  
> no kissing in this one sorry.
> 
> i will come up with a title sorry i just want to post this before watching his dark materials lol


End file.
